I must admit, last week my stress and anxiety reached a climax as I tried to come to terms with what I considered to be a lack of control. My entire life I have wanted to be in control. I always had to know what the next step was, where I was going, and how long it would take to get there. All that has been thrown out the window along with a lot of my sanity.
I found out that I would not be graduating till the summer semester, which really isn’t horrible. But, I was on track, how did that happen? I had only dropped one class my entire undergraduate career, never getting below 12 credit hours, and came in with some AP credit, how could I be behind? I was furious. And after the fury came a flood of tears, and they never stopped. I could not get them to stop.
With M trying to get a contract, I’ve had this game-plan based on assumptions. Assuming he got a contract by this date, he would be out by this date, we could get married approximately at this time, I would be done with school at this time, etc. etc. etc.
Out the window. Gone. For someone who likes to have control over their life, or at least likes to tell themselves they do, it was a major wake up call. What the hell am I doing here? Why do I even bother to make plans? Why do I need to be so in control? How can you enjoy life like this?
I’ve never been one to go with the flow, I’m a planner. I’m an organizer. I tried fitting my life in a pretty box with a nice little bow. Reality came along and beat the crap out of my pretty box.
M witnessed as I left the apartment near tears to go to class, and returned with a flood of them streaming as I came back to the apartment 5 minutes later. Utter fear of everything, of the not knowing (which was everything), had officially taken control.
So, I came home seeking solutions. And there were not any. I realized that I will never be able to control circumstance and the outside world, everything had to come from within. I needed to fix me and my outrageous perspective on life. And that is where I am. I withdrew from this semester, I am transferring closer to home, and initially set out to find peace with myself. Let me just tell you, I couldn’t find peace. I tried for a solid week, some seek for lifetimes. I was starting to lose hope in searching for the on switch to peace, and then I read this:
“You are still seeking outside, and you cannot get out of the seeking mode. Maybe the next workshop will have the answer, maybe that new technique. To you I would say: Don’t look for peace. Don’t look for any other state than the one you are in now; otherwise, you will set up inner conflict and unconscious resistance. Forgive yourself for not being at peace. The moment you completely accept your non-peace, your non-peace becomes transmuted into peace. Anything you accept fully will get you there, will take you into peace. This is the miracle of surrender.”
Excerpt From: Tolle, Eckhart. “The Power of Now.” New World Library and Namaste Publishing. iBooks.
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This was the key turning point for me. And it is where I am starting from today.
That is where I am right now. Many of my friends and family will wonder what is going on, and this is the answer. I’m not giving up on school or anything of that sort, I’m just finding non-resistance and acceptance to what is, so that I can more fully enjoy this beautiful life that I have since weighed down in expectations, good and bad experiences, and plans. Plainly, I dropped this semester, am moving home to go to college, and finishing later than planned. I can give you a million reasons why this feels “right”, but that doesn’t matter. If I’ve learned anything recently, it is that you can’t judge your life or anyone else’s. There is no point, and I’ve always felt sick doing so. Your life is beautiful, no matter who you are or what you do. I let others judgement weigh me down for a long time, or at least I imagined other people’s judgement weighing on me.
So, I say you are wonderful and your life is too!