I must admit, last week my stress and anxiety reached a climax as I tried to come to terms with what I considered to be a lack of control. My entire life I have wanted to be in control. I always had to know what the next step was, where I was going, and how long it would take to get there. All that has been thrown out the window along with a lot of my sanity.
I found out that I would not be graduating till the summer semester, which really isn’t horrible. But, I was on track, how did that happen? I had only dropped one class my entire undergraduate career, never getting below 12 credit hours, and came in with some AP credit, how could I be behind? I was furious. And after the fury came a flood of tears, and they never stopped. I could not get them to stop.
With M trying to get a contract, I’ve had this game-plan based on assumptions. Assuming he got a contract by this date, he would be out by this date, we could get married approximately at this time, I would be done with school at this time, etc. etc. etc.
Out the window. Gone. For someone who likes to have control over their life, or at least likes to tell themselves they do, it was a major wake up call. What the hell am I doing here? Why do I even bother to make plans? Why do I need to be so in control? How can you enjoy life like this?
I’ve never been one to go with the flow, I’m a planner. I’m an organizer. I tried fitting my life in a pretty box with a nice little bow. Reality came along and beat the crap out of my pretty box.
M witnessed as I left the apartment near tears to go to class, and returned with a flood of them streaming as I came back to the apartment 5 minutes later. Utter fear of everything, of the not knowing (which was everything), had officially taken control.
So, I came home seeking solutions. And there were not any. I realized that I will never be able to control circumstance and the outside world, everything had to come from within. I needed to fix me and my outrageous perspective on life. And that is where I am. I withdrew from this semester, I am transferring closer to home, and initially set out to find peace with myself. Let me just tell you, I couldn’t find peace. I tried for a solid week, some seek for lifetimes. I was starting to lose hope in searching for the on switch to peace, and then I read this:
“You are still seeking outside, and you cannot get out of the seeking mode. Maybe the next workshop will have the answer, maybe that new technique. To you I would say: Don’t look for peace. Don’t look for any other state than the one you are in now; otherwise, you will set up inner conflict and unconscious resistance. Forgive yourself for not being at peace. The moment you completely accept your non-peace, your non-peace becomes transmuted into peace. Anything you accept fully will get you there, will take you into peace. This is the miracle of surrender.”
Excerpt From: Tolle, Eckhart. “The Power of Now.” New World Library and Namaste Publishing. iBooks.
This material may be protected by copyright.
This was the key turning point for me. And it is where I am starting from today.
That is where I am right now. Many of my friends and family will wonder what is going on, and this is the answer. I’m not giving up on school or anything of that sort, I’m just finding non-resistance and acceptance to what is, so that I can more fully enjoy this beautiful life that I have since weighed down in expectations, good and bad experiences, and plans. Plainly, I dropped this semester, am moving home to go to college, and finishing later than planned. I can give you a million reasons why this feels “right”, but that doesn’t matter. If I’ve learned anything recently, it is that you can’t judge your life or anyone else’s. There is no point, and I’ve always felt sick doing so. Your life is beautiful, no matter who you are or what you do. I let others judgement weigh me down for a long time, or at least I imagined other people’s judgement weighing on me.
So, I say you are wonderful and your life is too!
I wish you all the best!
-Kas
And to my family and friends…. this meme is for you! 😛
Simply & Softly 
Oh how I can relate. I’ve decided to embrace anxiety and inner turmoil. I think it will make for better stories when I’m older.
Hahaha! This is true. Although I’m sure you already have plenty of interesting stories! Ironically, Tolle’s book has helped a lot and is very logical, and yet not depressing. It is just an exhausting read, very slow. But don’t tell Dad 😉 Haha.
It’s amazing how you gain so much control by letting go of it 😉 I can empathize with you as I have been in this same situation many times in my different disciplines. Releasing control also releases anxiety and thaws out the frozen pipes so that the water may flow again. It will come back, have faith. Until then, just be, and enjoy it 😉 Thanks for sharing your story and thought-provoking insights and best wishes for an inspired weekend.
Thank you so much for your kind words. I am definitely in a much better place than last week, it’s amazing what a little bit of surrender can do! I hope you have an equally inspired weekend as well, thanks for reading!
Your description of wanting to be in control/anxiety could have been about me around ten years ago. My early 20s was a tumultuous time, and part of growing up for me was learning to accept the fact that I can’t control life (I can accept it, but I don’t embrace it). I had to learn to make the best of all situations, whether they seem good or bad at the beginning. It sounds like you’ve reached that point. There so many paths to each and every goal in life. You’ll get there, even if it isn’t the route you had expected. Good luck!
Thank you! I sure hope I’m there- trying to control everything is exhausting! I hope I am able to readjust my life perspective as you have. It’s so much easier said than done. It becomes a nasty habit. But I’m so glad you’ve reached such an accepting and peaceful place in your life! 🙂