It would be an understatement to say these last few days have been a long process inside my head to rework the way I live each day. I have read many different authors/philosophers, or whatever you would like to call them, say that our society makes us think a lot of nonsense. And perhaps that nonsense works for some people, but I sure know I was quickly drowning in it. But, this is a peppy post! My point is, it is incredibly hard to change how you have been thinking about life, well, for an entire life.
Lately, I have been having battles with my own mind over everything… and eventually I am able to quiet my ego and appreciate the moment. This consists of very big little things.
Some people would look at me like I was nuts. A few years ago I scoffed at things like, “you can choose to be happy.” Umm, excuse me, wouldn’t I be choosing that all the time if it was that simple?? It’s amazing how a little wording can be so confusing. I eventually learned there is some truth to that. But, happy is a difficult word to understand. The culture I was raised in makes it seem like happiness is something you go in search for. That didn’t work for me, because that makes happiness unattainable to me. Then I thought, okay, happiness is inside you. I was getting there, kind of. Finally, happiness is the wrong word.
Peace. Alive. Now.
Those worked better for me. Happiness gives the impression of judgement. That means all those other “negative” emotions are bad. I can’t avoid feeling those emotions at all- I’m human!
Am I alive? Yes.
Am I alive right now? Yes
And finally, am I at peace with that? Yes. I’m alive, all there is that matters is right now and I accept everything that comes along with that.
Why this matters—–
For three to four years I have never once been able to put contacts in. Until I got to high school, I didn’t even know I had been walking around with poor vision. When I wore glasses I was excited to have lenses to look through to see textures and solid lines between things. But, I could not for the life of me put contact lenses in. I wanted it so badly too. But, I couldn’t stop blinking. I would start getting hot and frustrated, thoughts flying through my mind that I’ll have to wear glasses on my wedding day, that I would never be able to stop blinking. My heart would race and I would eventually end up crying, feeling like an absolute failure.
Yesterday, I gave it one more go. It started going in the same direction as all the countless times before, but then I stopped. I walked out from under the hot bathroom lights and breathed. I was just going to breath. I was going to accept whatever happened and be okay with it. I walked back in, and after a few more minutes was able to hold my eyes open without blinking. Contact lens just plopped in. I even stood leaning towards the mirror, mouth agape, staring at that barely distinguishable line around my iris. It was really in. I ran around my house yelling with excitement, running outside and dancing around- taking it all in. For someone who has never had 20/20 vision in their entire life, it felt miraculous.
Such a little thing that I was unable to do for my entire life was changed by perspective. I was blind, but now I can see- both figuratively and literally. I know that because of all the perspective changing I’ve been doing lately, I was finally able to relax enough to put the lenses in. I couldn’t let the coincidence of “perspective” and “sight” pass. It was that all encompassing moment that I realized I finally figured out what I needed to change to be at peace with myself and everything else!
Perhaps this philosophy on life doesn’t work for everyone, I would never assume that I have the “right” way. But, once you find a perspective that works for you, and brings you unconditional joy, keep at it. It’s a pretty impressive thing. Perspective really is everything.
M and I took a hike to our favorite view, so I could see it for the first time with new vision! 🙂